July 09, 2011
Me and my cousin start the day with Devotion, a program in our church where you should go there at 4:30 am, listen to the Word of God, and Pray on your knees after it. On our way there, this very strange dog was looking ahead on us, when we are very near to him, he howls 3 times to us! We got scared as anyone will do if it happens to them. We rebuke the dog and slightly ran away from him! It was really strange why did he howl exactly when we passed by? As all we know that howling refers or a sign that someone will or might die, that’s why we are both terrified of it. But as soon as we reached the church, we have forgotten in awhile what has happened earlier, and the message and prayer really blessed us.
It ended by 6:45 am. We got home by 7am and I’ve decided to watch first anime — Gintama: Episode 65 and 66 and Love Hina: Episode 13 and 14. After that, I lay in my bed, texting my classmates for some school activity infos. Not knowing as I’m lying, I fell asleep. And this strange dream started.
I’ve had this boyfriend for 4 years during my high school years (now my ex), yes all throughout my year he was my dearest who let go of me months after our graduation. Why? He wants me to be free afraid that I might betray him. Why is he thinking like that? Because its entirely my fault. I’m very famous in our school because I’m the Rank 1 student in our class since first yr up to 4th yr. Admirers are here and there. I’m also active in non academics, like dancing, band, volleyball, etc. while my boyfriend is purely academic that he is the Rank 2 in our class.
I was enjoying what I’m doing not knowingly he is jealous of the people that surrounds me and one thing I hate about him is, he’s not showy of his feelings. And I blame myself for not seeing and feeling what he feels. Then, we are on and off relationship in those 4 years. The “off” part is, I can get a new boyfriend fast. And it goes on when we are always off. But… When we are soon parting each other, our last year which is the 4th yr. I’ve decided to not pity those guys who wants me to be their girlfriend or whatever, I will just don’t mind them because my heart really belongs to him, and maybe the mistake I’ve done in the “off” part is because I’m seeking the attention and the caress I want from him that others have given me so fast. I’ve realized that I should be a perfect one for him starting in that year. But…. He decided to let me go when I was about to change and give him my best.
I dunno where we are, but I’m with my batch mates in an unknown place. I guess it was a reunion, but it wasn’t fancy at all, like normal days only. There, I saw my ex-boyfriend’s group and they are asking each other how are they, what are they doing this past few years or months, and one thing came into my mind, “my ex is here.” and I’m sure of it. As I walk around, went to toilet and finding my place. I saw ‘him!” Yes. my ex-bf!
I don’t know know what to do but I want him to see me, I want him to talk to me and ask me how am I after years we haven’t seen each other… But, he didn’t. So, I did my own move just to have his attention. I walk up in his group and ask them how are they. And they started to tease us. But I walked out and started looking at my ex with scary eyes (as a part of my plan), for him to know I have this grudge on my heart.
The following scenes just jumped and it suddenly came to a picture where he is on my side now, talking to me. I was crying and bargain at him, why did he let me go all of a sudden not considering my feelings would be? I asked him where is his girlfriend or wife, but he said, “I don’t have any girlfriend or wife,” which makes my heart happy. He asked me to stop crying, and then he gave me a letter which he wants to send to me, but he doesn’t have the guts to send it to me. The letter has pictures inside of a child, he said, “that’s my baby, but he’s gone now..” I was shocked to know that and feel sorry for him. I asked him if he’s alright and he said yes he was.
After that, the scene paced to a river, where me and him only are on this boat. We’ve reached the falls and there he promised me that he will never let me go again, that we will start a new relationship, to make things right in the past, to cherish and love endlessly each other. Then tears came flowing in my eyes. This were the things and the words I wanted to hear from him after all that has happened to us. It was like a fairy tail to me, very light, so much happiness that fairies are surrounding us…. But… I whispered in my mind that I can’t… I have a boyfriend, and we just celebrated our anniversary last week (which is true in reality that me and my present bf is now 1 year). But as my ex bf pleaded and propose to me, all I said to him was “YES!” And I really can’t believe it! How can I still choose the one that left me over my present man who truly treasure me. I really can’t believe that I can turn my back to my present man for him! Do my heart still longs for him? Am I truly loving him that much that I can turn anyone down for him? How could that be? it was really strange for me to do that. I can’t help but cry until i woke up. I’ve stopped the tears that will fall. What was that dream about? I hate it! I wished it was for real so I’m not carrying this confusion with me as I move forward in this life. I really can’t understand what this dream is telling me. Honestly, I can’t stop myself crying thinking and analyzing this dream…